safety pins aren't very safe.

It's that time again. That time of the year when everyone around me starts getting googly-eyed and romantic. It's spring, and people left and right are falling head over heels - except for me, of course. It seems like in the past week or so, a good handful of people I know have found themsevles a spring fling/maybe something more. And what do I get? Allergies.
Sure, I'm like the cheerleader on the sidelines, being happy for my friends who are finding cuddle buddies. But goddamnit, I'm tired of being a benchwarmer.

I'm in need of a good cuddle.

Seriously.


It's probably listening to Ella and Louis sing "Isn't It A Lovely Day" and The Faces "Ooh La La" (which I've been listening to nonstop for some reason) back to back that's making me all sentimental and pouty. But at this point, I feel like I have a right to pout. And these aren't necessarily sad songs in the conventional sense; they're sad in the wes anderson way - kind of bittersweet and full of nostalgia you didn't even think you knew.

What the fuck. Just, what the fuck. I'm officially not a voluntary singleton anymore; now it's just the fates working against me.


But, on a more serious note, life is pretty much turning upside-down. Slowly. I mean, I can see things happening and collapsing but there's nothing I can do about it, you know? Just sit back and watch everything slowly transform - okay maybe things aren't collapsing, they're just changing shapes, changing into something not as favorable. And I hate not having the power to control some aspects of my family life. Arrrghhhh can't be coherent. Would rather not talk about it. Just need a cuddle. No one to give me a cuddle though, so alas I write away on this blog and take up smoking - occasionally - again and listen to The Faces, thinking it will solve my problems.
It's getting to that point again, when I've built up a lot of things and haven't allowed myself a good cry - here's somethin for you: usually when I get to this point, a giveaway sign is that I tend to be extra chipper and smiley - I guess it's some sort of subconscious attempt to compensate for all of the other emotional mess that's bottled up. Or maybe it's a form of hysteria that's being outsourced in a more hyper giddiness. It's hard to tell when I'm genuinely giddy and when I'm faking giddy, but there is a difference.
I just need a moment alone to have a good cry, but there's nowhere I can really go, no one I can go to - and plus I feel like I haven't even had the time. Moreover, I don't even want to go to anyone, because I know what it's like to be the shoulder, and I dont' want to be that "burdensome friend"...last time, I think I just walked around the park with my big sunglasses on - just pacing through the crowds and crying; naturally, no one noticed - that's something so interesting about this city. Tomorrow I think I'll just take a walk by the river, have my little cry, and move on.
Well, I'm off.

3 for $5

There's a website where you can search artists and make a list of a bunch of albums. Here are a few of my favs:


In other news...I'm tired.

books piled high

Here's to the temporal fabric of friendships that you thought were rooted deep enough to weather storms and - the worst of all - growing apart. Well kids, nothing is permanent. You cultivate these comprehensive and meaningful relationships, and then the tide comes in and what you thought was a marble sanctuary melts away. So what do you do. You build another sand castle and admire how you've rebuilt it without any of the pre-existing flaws, and then you see it get washed away again. I've built many a sand castles; at this point, I'm insulated from any sort of shock that comes a crumbling friendship. You just.......get used to it. I've learned not to expect much from people; and I don't mean this in a cynical and pessimistic way - it's just my reality.

I watched Lady and the Tramp and Forrest Gump. Good movies.

The other day I met with my UN seminar professor and interviewed her for my french presentation (I'm supposed to interview a native french speaker and basically build a presentation around them). I managed to conduct the entire interview in french, which I'm proud of. Apparently I don't have a problem with the accent. Anyway, she's my hero. Talking to her gave me such a sense of validation, a purpose - I can't really put it into words quite yet, so I won't bother. However, I will quote Lt. Gen. Romeo Dallaire: "Peux ce que veux. Allons-y."

how's about this

So the weather really needs to stop having mood swings, because it's not helping the whooping cough situation I have going on here. That, and the fact that it's just not supposed to feel like it's thirty something degrees when it's APRIL.

The NyQuil still hasn't worn off quite yet so I'm going to go and stare at the TV while having my tea and toast. Goodbye.