warm winter days

I know I have things to write about, but I don't really have the energy to go back and retrace my steps right now...
Needless to say, all is well.
The new suitemates are darlings.
Didn't do any work over the weekend and now I'm kicking myself in the ass, as usual.
Had a late-night writing session last night - didn't get much done, but there's a lot of stuff stirring in my mind so I know I just have to keep pushing through and filter out the good stuff.
And now, I need to get some coffee and do some reading.

everything you didn't need/want to know

I stole this brilliant procrastinating tool from Naima, who stole it from someone else...but I'm cutting it down from 120 to 101 because I don't think I can dig deep enough for the extra 19....HERE WE GO.

DEBO 101:

1. I love pickles and can eat them with virtually anything.

2. Actually, when it comes to food I'm like a pregnant woman in that I consume massive amounts of it, and have intense cravings for random things all the time.

3. One of the things I value the most is an open mind. I have absolutely no patience when it comes to narrow-minded people.

4. I can only handle sweets in small doses.

5. I've been using the same type of pen for the past 4 years or so: Pilot P-500 Extra Fine 0.5

6. Seeing childhood pictures can make me all sappy and emotional.

7. I have an obsessive personality.

8. I love taking pictures.

9. People have always viewed me as emotionally mature/very serious. I don't know what to make of that.

10. I hate being passed over and can be needy for attention; I blame the Leo in me for that.

11. I think these lists are for the self-obsessed. I fall into this category, and delude myself into thinking that other people care enough about me to read all about me. You don't have to. Or if you want to humor me, go ahead.

12. My family means the world to me, and I don't acknowledge that enough.

13. I have a weakness for puppies and small cute children. A perfect example is the Cottonelle commercial with the golden retriever puppies (voice: Zach Braff!)....gets me every time.

14. I'm selfish.

15. Sadly, I'm a phenomenal liar. There is not a single person in this world who knows the truth about every part of my life. You know some truths, and lots of lies. My family is not exempt. I think I'm afraid of being completely naked and vulnerable about my life. Or some bullshit like that.

16. I will never stop learning.

17. Nor will I ever stop loving, as amazingly cheesy as that seems.

18. I have horrendous eyesight; this is mostly due to the fact that I spent a good chunk of my childhood reading in bed, most likely with insufficient lighting.

19. Sometimes, I am a frantic awkward bumbling mess of a girl.

20. Sometimes, I give off the impression that I'm a very graceful and elegant being.

21. I may have multiple personality disorder. I really wouldn't be surprised.

22. I come from a super religious family. As for myself, can't say I'm a fan of organized religion. I'm all for "spirituality", but that's where I draw the line.

23. If you want to lose my respect, be a dishonest person. This applies to someone near and dear to me right now, and it's sad but so true. Respect goes down the drain.

24. I can mimic people and habits and etc fairly well. I used to think I would make a fantastic actor because I realized how easy it was to convincingly turn into another personality.

25. I've always been drawn to book series; they're what got me addicted to reading. It started with the Boxcar Children, then the Baby-Sitter's Club, Agatha Christie, and even now - Harry Potter, LOTR....it goes on. Which leads me to #26...

26. I am a huge dork. Enough said.

27. I've never been able to answer the question of what would be worse, being blind vs. being deaf.

28. I am a gay man trapped in a woman's body. There is much evidence to support this theory.

29. I'm Korean. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean a whole lot to me.

30. I plan on having an extensive library someday.

31. I wish I was a better cook.

32. I think Conor Oberst of Bright Eyes is overrated.

33. Germaphobe. I don't know if that's the correct spelling (fuck, there goes the spelling bee legacy) but that's what I am. An extremely germ-conscious person.

34. Jazz is another word for liberation.

35. I want to help people. Whether it's through music or through social work/politics doesn't matter. Those are minor details. I don't want to keep living a self-absorbed life.

36. My heart hurts when I think about living my life without my dad in it. Of course I love my mother, but our relationship is very different...ugh, I'm getting all emotional just thinking about it. Moving on.

37. I've been everywhere in the U.S except the southeast/deep south.

38. I've never gotten trashed to the point of puking.

39. I used to play the flute,and began piano lessons when I was 3. Somewhere along the way there was one failed violin lesson.

40. I think I rock at Mario Kart.

41. I have 11.6 days worth of music on my (filtered) iTunes library. In the actual unfiltered library I have 13 days worth.

42. I'm convinced I have the sweetest brother in the world. His name is Sam (or better known as "SAMOH!!")

43. I used to have so many gelly roll/milky way pens back in middle school, it was scary.

44. Oh god, middle school.

45. Guilty pleasures: celebrity gossip, reading peoples' blogs, mcdonalds.

46. I've never been to White Castle or Outback Steakhouse. And I don't know if I really care.

47. My hands have a tendency to be cold and clammy. I don't know why.

48. I daydream a lot.

49. It scares me that Nick at Nite now consists of Full House and Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Are we that old?

50. Huge huge fear of bugs; most of you already know this.

51. In the second grade, I really wanted to be a dolphin trainer.

52. I win the award for failing to keep in touch with people. I seriously fail at this.

53. A good perfume can do wonders for my confidence.

54. So can alcohol.

55. One way to steal my heart: recite Keats. I'll probably swoon. And then ask you to marry me.

56. I've never been out on a real date. This makes me sad.

57. I have a habit of singing along to music. Any music, any song I know. It must piss people off, but I can't help it. Oh and sometimes I'll harmonize to it.

58. I hate not smelling nice. Body odor really truly grosses me the fuck out.

59. I think it would be really difficult/nearly impossible for me to date someone I wasn't already (good) friends with.

60. I love cuddling. And I hate the fact that I have no one to cuddle with.

61. I am so self-conscious. It's like a disease.

62. I can't sit through horror/suspense/violent movies. I don't care if they're classics.

63. As soon as I get home, I have to change into my comfy schlep clothes.

64. My favorite flowers are orchids. And tulips. But orchids are #1.

65. I'm good at being invisible.

66. I love eating out. If I wasn't a broke college student I would probably eat out every night.

67. Whenever I feel crazed and out of sync, I go to the Met and wander around by myself for an hour or so. It always works in centering me.

68. I don't have a set group of friends.

69. I want to become fluent in French.

70. I kind of want to try acting. I feel like I wouldn't be half bad, but I also feel like no one would give me a chance.

71. I give good massages. Or so I'm told. I guess it's the piano hands.

72. I like folding laundry.

73. I'm often inspired while on the subway.

74. I've yet to spend an evening at the opera.

75. I love anything with pesto. I fucking love pesto.

76. I am partial to short, abrupt sentencing, as can plainly be seen in this monstronsity of a list.

77. I desperately need two things: a digital camera, and a new ipod.

78. ...and a boyfriend. Make that three things.

79. I'm not into dairy products and am convinced that I am semi-lactose intolerant.

80. I could never quit Manhattan.

81. I could never quit Alaska.

82. I can, on the other hand, quit Jersey. Very easily.

83. The first CD I ever bought was a Celine Dion one. Or maybe someone bought it for me, I can't remember.

84. I think music can be a form of spirituality (but I'm not talking Ashlee Simpson).

85. The nickname "Debo" was created by none other than Elena, freshman year of highschool during lunch one day.

86. I want my own website...for my music and such. Or better yet, someone could make a fansite! That would be hilarious.

87. I just want to have a jam session with some other musicians.

88. I've "performed" at Carnegie Hall 3 times, I think. Once alone and twice for a choral thing.

89. I wear a necklace that I got at an antique store in Alaska almost every day because it reminds me of home.

90. The longest, most meaningful relationship I've had is with my baby grand piano: 12 years and going strong!

91. I feel embarassed for people who drunk dial.

92. I don't tan, I burn.

93. I'm a wimp when it comes to sushi: I stick with tuna and salmon.

94. I enjoy Vogue. There, I said it.

95. I'm a good listener, always have been.

96. When I'm very upset, I completely shut down.

97. I've always wondered what category my laugh falls into: abrasive? contagious? annoying?

98. I am a dog person.

99. I adore little cafes and little bookstores.

100. I have a poem that is going to be published in the Asian American Writers Workshop's Youth Anthology. Although now that I think about it, I haven't heard from them in a while......

101. I want to have a PB&J sandwich before I die.

lost for you

+ MoMa Pixar exhibit
- Textbook expenses ripping a hole in my pocket
+ Seeing Naima from America's Next Top Model (avec twin sister!) @ new Zen
+ my unbelievable find @ Beacon's Closet
- feeling like a complete tool for buying it (but no regrets whatsoever, man)
+ fridge full of diet coke
- nearby dishonesty
+ "#41" by DMB
- my mom is sick and sounded terrible over the phone

ella and her fellas

I'm different.
And things are different. Or seem different - what I'm saying is, I'm seeing things and people differently. In general. I can't quite put my finger on what triggered this, but I really don't care.

Why is Ella's cover of "Mack the Knife" so crazy and amazing.

Anyway.
My first UN seminar was absolutely mindblowing and I was beyond inspired by my professor. After 30 years of working at the UN and going through everything that she has, she still hasn't let the cynicism get to her. And this determination, coming from someone who has been to Somalia, Rwanda, Sierra Leone....seen war, camps for mutilated refugees...I mean she was lecturing from this viewpoint to a classroom full of "jaded" college students who are already overly negative and cynical of the United Nations and the notion of peacekeeping - the notion of peace itself...and who the fuck are we to be the authority on the UN.
Listening to her recall all of those experiences was humbling, and empowering at the same time - to have the living proof in front of you of someone affecting these changes purely because she believes in them.

That seems to be the problem - no one wants to believe anymore, because it's so much easier to be weighed down by the "science" and burdensome protocol of politics...it's so much easier to be cynical. (trust me, cynicism is an old friend of mine. And I know it blankets most of my music, but I won't let it completely suffocate me.)

The course focuses mostly on peacekeeping operations in Africa - I'm super anxious, I've been wanting to learn more about Africa because I know nothing, basically.

Must run to bookstore and most likely wait in line for ages and ages. Sweet.

huh?

Update: I've discovered that life is so much more fun and interesting when experiencing it through sleep deprivation. Floating through the day without taking things too seriously was a welcome change. AND, singing/playing was taken to a whole new level when I was rehearsing today - just went all out and had one of those rare empowering moments when I was like "fuck yeah I sound good right now" which never happens...basically I feel ready to go out there and rock. It was amazing. Also I got into the US Foreign Policy class I was waitlisted for, haaa! I really need to sleep now.

___________________________________________________________


So I can't sleep.
I woke up at 3:45 am for no reason and haven't been able to sleep since.


At this point, I think I'm just going to wait until it's not pitch dark outside, go get some coffee, the Times, and a carton of blueberries to go with my oatmeal. I don't know why I have oatmeal, but I guess I was in the mood. I wonder when D'ag opens.....
...then later today I think I'm going to the Met with the new suitemates.

Is it raining out? Ugh.

take THAT, volcano

Ugh, made it back to the city without any further complications; my rescheduled flight left the next night and all is well. I am no longer stranded.

Although I think it's funny how quickly the news spread that I was stranded...oy!

The new suitemates seem nice.

+ seeing some of my lovers
- not seeing the rest of my lovers (this weeked, this weekend.)
+ basically, reemerging from isolation
+ simon and garfunkel --> renewed love of music in general
- um....classes? wtf?
- the routine fire alarm that is currently going off in the building

i never liked augustine

Wasn't a fan of the saint, and I'm not a fan of the volcano that just erupted and caused my flight to be cancelled.

That's right, cancelled. My bags are packed, I'm ready to get out of here, I check my flight status, and read "Status: Cancelled." I'm stranded here and I start classes on Tuesday.

Also, I need a day to unpack/party so really I need to be back Sunday night, Monday latest.

As you can tell, I haven't been very happy with the weather lately; this morning I was upset with Nature in general. Now, I would just like to say, FUCK YOU, MT. AUGUSTINE. SERIOUSLY.

no running in the library

I would like to file a complaint with the weather: listen, I've been here for nearly a month, and it hasn't snowed ONCE (except for when we landed in Anchorage, and that didn't count because I only experienced it from inside the plane). The closest thing to snow here was this morning when everything was covered in a sparkly frost. Sure it was gorgeous - but it's not snow. And I come here for the real snow. So FUCK YOU, WEATHER.

That's my only bitter rant before I leave this place. Otherwise, I've been getting along with my parents famously, which is freakish because when it's just us we'll usually have a mega fight - well, there's always tonight. Whatevs.
I hate long plane rides, someone invent a transporter asap, por favor.

I got off the waitlist for this seminar after technically applying to get in; annoying, but hopefully worth it. It has a pretentious enough sounding course name: The Security Council and Peacekeeping Operations in the 21st Century.

...yeah. I dont' know either.

p.s - Ohhh my godddd Angelina + Brad = baby?!! I feel like this child could either be otherworldly, or...a superfreak. And I love the whole bulimic/druggie Lindsay Lohan feud going on; it only validates the meaning of her existence: publicity stunt.

Oh, celebrity gossip. Love it.

I don't want to paaaaaack.

cute overload

Walked into "Narnia" extremely skeptical (I guess I'm like Susan). But despite the TINY screen (names in the credits were literally chopped off), the dirty seats, the noisy Alaskan audience, and overall shittiness of the theatre (I think the last movie I saw there was either Flubber or Mulan) I pretty much enjoyed it.
Mostly because of that darling little Lucy with her giant eyes and pudgy little cheeks. And Liam Neeson's soothing voice.
But seriously folks, I mean maybe it was my childhood Sunday bible study classes kicking in, but the religious overtones in that movie were so blatant; at one point I just wanted to yell out "OKAY I GET IT, ASLAN IS CHRIST, LET'S MOVE ON" but figured that was probably the repressed religious background speaking.
I don't think I got the religiousness of the books when I was reading them...oh well.

I gave myself a pat on the back though for ID-ing the soundtrack artists before they came up at the end of the credits (Emily, my now ex-suitemate, makes it a point to stay until the very end of the credits, out of respect for the crew & people who....well, made the goddamn movie, so that habit of hers kind of rubbed off on me); I definitely pinned Alanis, but wasn't sure if the first singer was Imogen from Frou Frou. Turns out I was right, go me. Her voice is so unique though, I could probably call her out in a crowd of strangers if she was humming something.

Mmkay will update later, must dash.

good grief, the pain!

Okay, I've learned my lesson: ALWAYS STRETCH AFTER EXCERCISING.
Right now, I'm having a lot of trouble moving my arms. At all. They're that sore...good grief!

Found ma mere's '79 Vivitar camera, it is SO SWEEEEEET and I really hope it still works. The camera is older than me, weird.

I cannot be more different than my mother when it comes to a lot of things, but sometimes we're so similar it frightens me. Je ne comprends pas.

Finally got all of my grades in from fall semester. Eh. Rethinking the Politics major thing; when my politics grades are the ones bringing my GPA down....I mean I guess I could blame the shoddy grading system, which in its vagueness still throws me off, but if I'm working my ass off for.....this, then I don't know. At the end of the day I'm blaming myself I suppose; I should ask myself if the cost is outweighing the benefits, womp womp. Whatever.

Anyway, changing topics; academics is never a fun thing to linger on.

Random fact: jade is Alaska's state gem. Isn't that nifty, I just learned that otoday. So I guess my alter-ego is definitely Alaskan as well, haaar.

Oh, I almost forgot, I've been meaning to write my little Natasha Bedingfield rave (this might get a bit lengthy, so don't say you weren't warned)...okay here we go.

When it comes to songwriting, they say that if it comes from an honest place, the listeners will feel it. I've tried to apply that to my music, and it seems like its been working to a certain degree (which is great!) and if the listener just can't relate to it, so be it. And I guess this is why I'm so turned off by artists who are climbing the charts from selling their image, their celebrity, by singing songs that were written by middle aged men and women who churn out these catchy pop songs like it's their job (literally). But this isn't to say that all singer/songwriters who write their own music are necessarily coming from an honest place at all times...deep down, they know what sells and what doesn't (I don't include myself in this category because I'm not faced with the challenge of actually selling my music...yet). I don't want to delve into the psyche of the music industry; essentially I'm writing this because the other day I was totally inspired by what I would normally call the cheesiest shit ever.
So, Natasha Bedingfield seems like your average, cute blonde singer/songwriter. Kind of a British Liz Phair. Her lyrics at first glance are almost painfully simple - no rhymes, no metaphors, no flowery language. Just plain jane sentences; I mean really it's the antithesis of my cryptic, multi-layered incoherence.
Her music's catchy and uber-pop, whatever, great. But then the other night I couldn't sleep and was surfing through some AOL Sessions videos at like 4 am and watched some of her performances. And first of all, she has a killer voice live. But more importantly, you could just see how into it she was; it was definitely cheesy, but not at all superficial - big difference between the two. She just seemed so incredibly genuine and happy when she was singing, and it just struck me, because I'm used to these stereotypical blonde pop singers who lip-sync and dance a hillbilly jig when they fuck up a live performance....it really bothers me when artists can't deliver when performing live. And it probably explains why I become really attached to people who take live performances to a totally different level (e.g Dave Matthews, brilliant brilliant musician)
Anyway, she was adorable. And the actual music video is adorable too. And the thing is, her lyrics are SO SIMPLE. But they're so honest, and when I could see that in her performance, it was just...great. I would look like a complete fool if I ever tried singing her songs, but that's the point, n'est pas? She's the only one who makes it work.

So.....yeah. There are actually only two songs of hers that I really like ("These Words" and "Unwritten"), but that's besides the point. Oh christ this post is so long.

You can go ahead and stick a fork in me, because I'm done.

freaking the fuck out

So I was reading a David Cross interview when I felt something on my arm; I figured it was just a hair or something brushing against it. Plus the room was dark and the only light was coming from my laptop so I couldn't see anything. A minute later, I feel it again, and this time when I look, I see a spider.

Taking into consideration my self-diagnosed arachniphobia, believe me when I say I freaked the fuck out. I jumped out of bed, trying not to scream as to wake up the rest of the family, and saw it crawling over my blanket and sheets. I actually killed it, which I'm proud of. But naturally I switched bedrooms and am going to wash my sheets and pillow covers and probably switch blankets. Because I'm that grossed out by crawly things.

Anyway, back to what I was doing before the spider crawled into my bed. I came across some interviews of Arrested Development actors Alia Shawkat (Maeby), Michael Cera (George Michael) and David Cross (Tobias). They're fantastic interviews, and I am officially obsessed with these people. (And this is off the record, but Michael Cera is single-handedly making me break my rule of not being into younger guys). If only they had an interview with Tony Hale up, I would die happy. As you can see, my obsession with Arrested is out of control, but for a good reason - it's seriously one of the best shows I've ever seen. It's such a shame that they're being cancelled. Fucking FOX.

Okay, nutella + strawberry jam on toast, with tea, is DIVINE. Also, Maruchan cup noodles kick ass. I rediscovered them over the break and my love for instant noodles has been rekindled.

Ugh spiddddeerrrr so gross. ew ew ew ew ewwwww just thinking of it makes me feel gross.

And by the way, Alaska is behind New York by 4 hours, so I'm not really up at 7 am. That would be weird, and very unlike me.

happy new yearrlahowshftfart

This was probably by far one of the most slapstick comedy-esque new years ever.

Since the bro is leaving tomorrow, we thought it would be fun to go up to Hatcher Pass for some old fashioned sledding, as a last hurrah or something. By the way, it's a record warm winter in AK and it hasn't snowed once since we've been here. So we drive up the mountain (where there is snow, don't worry), my brother and I are overexcited since we haven't been sledding in what seems like forever, and so of course we climb up to the highest hill we can see.

Given the no snow (which means lots of "old snow" which means ICE) and given our ridiculous misperception of how steep the slope actually was, by the time we got up to the top, I was starting to think maybe we should have warmed up a little or something. LO AND BEHOLD, the slope is ridiculously steep, we careen over an ice bump, and I am literally catapulted off the sled.

But it's okay, because my head broke my fall. Well, my head, and my face.

I didn't black out, but the wind was FO SHO knocked out of me. My brother (who by the way was the one who totally did not know how to steer) was unscatched, but I on the other hand look like the boogeyman. And I probably suffered some sort of mild concussion after having the back of my head make a huge impact with the ice, because I've been feeling a little dazed all day.

But nonetheless, we kept on sledding. It was only after I got home and took a nice hot shower that I started feeling all of the bruises and pulled muscles, and scratches all over my face. GOOOOOD TIMES.

So that was basically how I spent my New Years. I "don't do" resolutions because in my experience, they're empty little self-lies that are supposed to motivate you to "be a better person" or something, but come on. I mean if you're one of those people who can actually keep a resolution, more power to you, but for those who are desperately lacking in the willpower deparment (e.g. myself), I say fuck it. Where's the laissez-faire??? Maybe that'll be my "resolution," to stop trying to squeeze myself into this superficial mold, with all the protocol and falsity that just becomes sickening after a while, and just go and get my face scratched up, you know? Maybe I got some sense knocked into me today. Albeit rather painfully, but I had a good time anyway. Sure I look deplorable, and sure this might have seemed like an unfortunate way to start off 2006, but who cares?

If this Switzerland program thing works out over the summer, I think I'm going to extend the plane ticket and just take a week or two to travel a bit. I guess traveling solo could turn out to be uber crazy, but it would probably be more fun with a friend (hint hint!). I'm thinking maybe the south of France (a preview for the fall, and plus the weather would be divine), Italy, maybe Germany, Austria...eeeee! I've been wanting to do this for so long, I get giddy just thinking about it.

And maybe the lightheadedness thats been following me all day is helping the giddiness, harhar.

I think I like even years better than odd years.