magnolia mountain

Sometimes I wonder if Fate is being legit. I usually think of it as a pretty, symphonic fabrication that's pleasing to the ears and the mind but unrealistic and illogical. But there are moments like today for instance, when I second-guess myself. I picked up J.D Salinger's "Franny and Zooey" off of a bookstand near the park for three bucks. I had been sitting on a park bench with Mike for a good hour, just talking about how my life was in an unoriginal rut devoid of anything creative and exciting and new (and also watching weird performance art in the park which included people dressed up as Pacman and the little monsters chasing each other through the park in big awkward costumes).
Anyway, we went to browse one of those little outdoor bookstands (this one in particular had a limited, but amazing collection of everything I have already read and loved, and everything I hope to read and love), which is where I picked up "Franny and Zooey" and Hermann Hesse "The Journey to the East."
I began reading the Salinger as I was walking to the train station (very Belle of me) and finished the Franny story on the train ride. It's a short story, but packed with some pretty potent lines that really seemed to speak what I had been trying to articulate (albeit with a little more bite). Par exemple,

"...It's everybody, I mean. Everything everybody does is so - I don't know - not wrong, or even mean, or even stupid necessarily. But just so tiny and meaningless and - sad-making. And the worst part is, if you go bohemian or something crazy like that, you're conforming just as much as everybody else, only in a different way."

That was a pretty strong moment, particulary the last sentance. Here's another:

"I'm just sick of ego, ego, ego. My own and everybody else's. I'm sick of everybody that wants to get somewhere, do something distinguished and all, be somebody interesting. It's disgusting - it is, it is. I don't care what anybody says."

And one more for the road:

"Just because I'm so horribly conditioned to accept everybody else's values, and just because I like applause and people to rave about me, doesn't make it right. I'm ashamed of it. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody. I'm sick of myself and everybody else that wants to make some kind of a splash."

Yeah, the words are a little harsh, but it fit my funk like a glove.
I walked back home from the train station in a complete daze, completely numb, but at the same time there was this weird crazy feeling of spontenaity under my skin. Hard to describe. Almost the feeling of things slowly clicking, maybe clicking in place, maybe out of place, but nevertheless clicking - not that weird muted noise I've been feeling for the past few days. I absolutely couldn't tolerate that feeling of...counterproductivity, it was so stifling.
So I started writing. A short story. It'll consist mostly of dialogue, and not much action, but it feels good to be writing again.

Alright, enough of the heavy stuff.
Went to Chumley's last night for the first time since I moved out of Greenwich. Good company, good food, good cider, good times.
Then went to a late show of "The Devil Wears Prada," which completely took me by surprise. I guess my expectations were low to begin with, since the book was um...how can I put this - bad. But Meryl Streep was spectacular, no - beyond spectacular. One glance from her gave more dimension to Miranda Priestly's character than the sum total of the rambling descriptions scattered throughout the 360-page novel.

Kicked off today with brunch @ Bubby's with Caroline and Mike, where naturally we exchanged vicious gossip about everyone we know, threw things at the waiters, kicked small dogs, and fed each other's egos.

Just kidding. Except the part about feeding each other's egos, because we do that all the time.

I'd really like to arrange a big-band piece. 20's style. Either write my own piece or, ideally, do a cover of "Mack the Knife." Realistically, it'll probably just end up on my growing, random to-do list, along with going to Tibet and learning to play the drums.
Yeeeeeaaah......